Broken Down

11/14/12
Ok, so I am wanting to remember every moment of this hospital stay, the good moments AND the difficult. The thing is, I am such an optimistic positive person that I am not sure I'm even capable of accurately describing any of the difficult. I am really wanting to recognize honestly the hardships of what we are facing but I tend to sooo look at the positive side of every situation that...well, we'll see if I'm even capable of such vulnerable honesty. :) I am going to use this post as a journal of my most broken moments throughout this journey we are currently on though so, if you're expecting the typical happy-go-lucky Destiny, the goal is that you will not find her here. Not bc I'm wanting to sadden and depress, but only bc I know that my outlook is always so positive I tend to forget some of the difficult things the Lord has truly brought me through and I don't want to forget when one day I look back, just how far He brought me. This idea was actually inspired yesterday when my husband came to visit w my aubree. They stayed a couple hours and it was wonderful! When they got ready to leave aubree blew me kisses and hugged me and waved and said, "bye mom! I love you!" she stood about ten feet from my bed and I said, "I love you too baby, soooo much!" I had an urge to squeeze her again when she tipped her chin to her chest shyly smiling and said it again blowing another kiss, "I love you!" my voice cracked this time as I said, "I love you sooo much baby! So much!" I had to turn my head from her bc I didn't want this amazing visit to end sad for her but I couldn't stop the tears as I thought how she was going back home without me again and knowing this was still only the beginning of a long separation. They kept coming when my Annabelle's face came to mind and thought how I just wanted to hold my baby girl, when I thought of my Nicholas and how I had not seen him even once since coming to this hospital bc he's been sick and I just wanted grab him and squeeze him tight! Then I heard my aubree behind me ask, "mommy are you sad?" I wiped my eyes, smiled and turned to her and said, "no I'm not sad! You made me so happy today!" she smiled at that and asked, "are you just crying?" I kissed her again and said, "not anymore!". Within a few minutes after a few more "I love you"s, they were gone again.

9/4/13
Ok, so turns out I was not good at writing out those difficult vulerable moments because I never returned to this post until just now. I am trying to clean up my posts and found many that I wrote out while on my bedrest but I never published them. I want to publish this one now though because it is now a precious precious memory that I do not want to forget. So I'm sorry about the incompleteness of it but as this blog is really just a journal of mine, hopefully you won't mind how scattered it sometimes can be. :) Here are some photos of when she visited me in the hospital.
 

Jaxon Jeremiah Wetzel

For my jaxon Jeremiah wetzel:
11/10/12 @ 7:16am

Well, I have been thinking about writing this for a few days now but kept putting it off bc I didn't really know what to write. I guess I'll just start by telling you your story up until now.

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On September 27th, I slipped and fell. I felt something pull in my right side as I had fallen pretty hard and all the way down to the ground. I was 4 1/2 months pregnant, 18 weeks 1 day to be exact. Over the following few weeks, I had several episodes of leaking but I thought I was only experiencing the weak bladder that so many women talk about having during pregnancy. I had never experienced it with my previous 2 pregnancies, but I had no other explanation so I brushed it off. Four days after my fall, I had my regularly scheduled ultrasound. The tech was a newbie and she had only recently finished her training so at one point during the ultrasound, she excused herself and returned moments later with another tech. He was her superior and she had brought him in because my cervix looked shortened. He checked and it also looked short to him. He moved on through the ultrasound to get all the other measurements and then went back for one final look and voila! My cervix looked normal. Whew! I thought I was in the clear for everything. Little did I know at that time that I had already been having several symptoms of pPROM without realizing it. I had never even heard of pPROM and had no clue what to pay attention to. I had no idea that the re-occuring onset of nausea (nausea that had disappeared almost 2 months prior to reappearing) I had been experiencing was signaling to me that something was wrong. I had no idea that my frequent leaking was actually amniotic fluid and not just an extremely weak bladder. I didn't realize that my constant feeling of bloating and pressure in my lower abdomen had nothing to do with my appetite. I spent some time on google looking up some of my symptoms but any negative conclusions I found, I brushed off thinking, "no, I'm sure I'm overreacting" and everything that said the symptoms were normal, I held onto because I thought, "I delivered TWINS full term! I had a second perfectly healthy pregnancy! I am a great at being pregnant!" I didn't think "it" could ever happen to me. I didn't think I would ever be that woman, that our family would be THAT family, that goes through the situation we were about to have to face.
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On October 18th, I suddenly started bleeding very heavily. I was 21 weeks, 2 days pregnant w you at that time. We rushed to labor and delivery but by the time we got there (an hour away) it had stopped. They examined me but never did an ultrasound  and only found a little bit of dark blood so didn't take my situation seriously and after a few hours, they sent me home on bed rest. 1 week later I met with my doctor. (I was still lightly bleeding intermittently throughout that entire week) After an exam and ultrasound, he noticed my fluids were very low (in fact, barely any at all) but you were still very healthy. He sent me to a perinatologist (high risk doctor) the following week. When I met with the perinatologist, he examined you in great detail and determined that all of your anatomy was perfect and functioning well but that my fluids were, in fact, very low. He asked if I had been having any leaking but, of course, in all my naivety, I still had not put 2 and 2 together and thought if I were leaking, it would just somehow be and feel "different" than what I had been having. I thought leaking meant I would have puddles of water under me everywhere I went. I had almost constant bleeding though so the only thing I knew is I was bleeding. I didn't realize at the time that my bleeding wasn't JUST bleeding, it was also my amniotic fluids, in fact, it was PRIMARILY my amniotic fluids. So, in this oblivious state, I told him that no, I had not been leaking, only bleeding. Based on my answer, he  decided you must be sick (possibly w parvo) and were retaining water but explained that that is normal and that once you recovered, the fluids would be released and be back to normal. He scheduled to meet with me again after a month to be sure that's all it was.

Well, the following Tuesday, (11/6/12) I got up that morning and went to the bathroom when blood gushed everywhere! I yelled frantically for Aubree to go get daddy! He called his mom to pick up the kids and he and I rushed back down to labor and delivery. The whole time I just knew they were going to send me back home. I could already feel that the bleeding had slowed and almost stopped again. Once we arrived at the hospital, a few hours of monitoring showed a healthy baby but an ultrasound showed that my fluids were "nearly absent" in the doctors words. They admitted me for full-time monitoring for what they at that time said would be "2 weeks". That day I was 23 weeks, 6 days pregnant. Once I was admitted to labor and delivery and hooked up to the monitors, they found I was having regular contractions. I was freaking out! They monitored my labor and said I had pPROM and explained what that meant. My water had broken prematurely. Without fluid, I was now high risk for infection and preterm labor and would most likely deliver within 4 days. (Nearly 80% of all women deliver within 4 days of their full rupture. Those who can hold out longer, most will deliver within 2 weeks. It is EXTREMELY rare to go longer.) The prognosis was not good at this time. In fact, I was told the head neonatologist would come by to visit and discuss our outlook as far as the babies NICU journey was concerned, however, when she came by, she simply dropped off the materials and suggested I not look at the information until we knew for sure if he would be born. The situation was so dire that she did not even want me to know yet. The biggest hurdle for pPROM babies is lung development. The amniotic fluid is what develops a baby's lungs  so without it, the lung development stops. Our biggest goal was to stop labor and try to replenish my fluid. (When the water is broken, it will constantly leak out what is in the sac, however, by staying very well hydrated, there is a hope of maintaining some fluids at least) For the next 3 days I laid in the hospital bed monitored around the clock. The perinatologist decided I would remain there until delivery which would hopefully not be for 10 more weeks. (they would not let me go passed 34 weeks as it is a greater risk without fluid, but we wanted to get as close to 34 as possible) Finally, by the end of my fourth day in there, my contractions had stopped with the IV fluids long enough for them to consider me stable and you had gone 12 hours with no heart decells. (several times your heart rate dropped because you would roll on top of your cord and with no fluid to cushion it, your blood flow would cut off and drop your heart rate- this is called a decel)

Thursday night, I had my first good night with no bleeding. Friday they moved me into an antepardum room where I have more freedom and I'm no longer hooked up to any machines.  (except for the twice a day monitoring they do for an hour each time every day) They've already given me 2 steroid shots to boost your lung development, IV fluids and a LOT of antibiotics to prevent infection (which causes preterm labor). Since my water is broken, infection becomes a high risk.

On Wednesday, we finally decided on your middle name! We chose Jaxon Jeremiah bc of the Scripture Jeremiah 1:5.

Then, this morning when I woke up, the Lord led me to read out the rest of the chapter and I was blown away to tears! You see, the day I was admitted was the very same day as the 2012 presidential elections. In fact, I didn't even get to vote. :(

As I was reading Jeremiah 1:5-19, it begins w God explaining to Jeremiah that God knows him and has a plan for his life. Then God Himself trains Jeremiah to recognize the prophetic visions that God gives him and then declare them. Then...God gives him a powerful word! He says the kingdoms of the north are going to set themselves up against Jerusalem. They will surround Jerusalem and exalt themselves. Jerusalem and Judah will appear to be helpless bc they will be surrounded but God is going to judge those kingdoms for their evil.

Then, He says my favorite part: (v7) "but you (Jeremiah), dress yourself for WORK!"
He is telling Jeremiah, 'this is gonna be a long, hard, tough process so get ready, have all your armor on and be PREPARED!'
"DRESS YOURSELF FOR WORK!"

Then, after this, He tells Jeremiah, "today I make you a fortified city, an iron pillar, and bronze walls"- He is telling Jeremiah, yes, it looks hopeless bc evil has encamped around all your walls and has set itself against you...but YOU are a FORTIFIED CITY, constructed by GOD! In other words, you will NOT be overcome nor conquered!

Kingdoms will come against Jerusalem, but He made Jeremiah to be the city of refuge. This makes me think of where our nation is right now. People are talking of possible civil wars in the next years or decades. Also, it says the kingdoms of the NORTH. Well, although evil is spread throughout our country, our federal government (and the stem of many political evils) is centered around our "NORTH". I believe the Lord is saying that those kingdoms (physical expressions of evil) are setting themselves against Jerusalem. Jerusalem is the city of God which means WE, the PEOPLE of God, ARE Jerusalem! So, therefore, the "kingdoms of the north" (the governmental evils) are setting themselves against the people of God and are surrounding the gates! They intend to destroy and decimate Jerusalem!

But...God has called Jeremiah to be a fortified city! A city that WILL NOT be destroyed! A city that will provide a refuge for the people of God! So, dress yourself for work Jeremiah! They WILL fight against you, but they will not prevail against you bc the Lord is with you to deliver you!

I believe on election day, you were so eager to fulfill this calling on your life that you forgot you needed to finish baking first! ;) the Lord is preparing a remnant to fight for this land and you have a major calling on your life to "dress yourself and work", Philippians 3:14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Holidays already???

Whoa! 2 months have past and I am finally sitting down to blog again. Mostly because I am on bedrest right now and am so sick of facebook and pinterest. I always thought "bedrest" was a myth. (at least for anyone carrying only 1 or 2 babies) I mean, I carried twins full term and my dr insisted I work up until the day I delivered. Thank God my mom is my boss and she insisted otherwise. :) Yeah, he is one of those doctors. It's kinda funny though. Most people who know me well know that I have a Dr-patient-obssession with him so it's not like I'm complaining about it.

So...why am I on bedrest you ask? Well, this little stinker (who is a BOY by the way!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY ME!!!) is not telling us! I have had some internal complications (nothing too crazy, minor but enough to take notice and be careful) that cannot be pinpointed so...my doctor who thinks a woman pregnant with multiples should do manual labor until she goes into birthing labor has said that it is the best idea. If I were a little bit more of a paranoid girl then I would probably be stressing out about it right now, but I think my cortisol levels are abnormal because I just can't seem to bring myself around to stressing about things. No really, I tried. I kinda thought, hmmmm....maybe I can get some attention from this but then my husband and mom kinda took over so much that I am constantly reassuring them that I "promise I am fine". Maybe that's why God makes us to be concerned for other people. Because when someone else is concerned about you, you more just wanna ease their minds or else you'll be concerned about them being concerned about you so you play things off and, well, let them be. (I hate when that phrase comes to mind because the song always inevitably follows) Anyways, I'm not even sure how people started finding out but they did so if you are on my facebook, you have probably been seeing my "updates" the last week bc suddenly people started mesaging me asking how everything was. I'm not gonna lie, it was kinda fun seeing all the people who very much wanted to know about me! :)  Ok, so this is not actually what I came on here to write about but...did I even finish that? Sorry! My kids keep distracting me with "kiss my hand mama"(-Belle). I can't NOT kiss it! Anyways, ok so to wrap up this story, Thursday was admitted to L&D (labor and delivery) and monitroed, sent home on bedrest, problems continued but started lightening up after a week, went to my dr and sent home and moderate bedrest for another week until I meet with a perinatologist who will then tell me everything is fine and there was never a real problem to begin with. (I am already guessing that is how this story will conclude)

Ok....so onto some more interesting things (well, "different" things at least! haha!)
I'm so very much loving autumn! As always. Well, as I said before, we found out like a month ago or something that we are having a BOY!!! YAY ME! (I can't help it. I'm so excited) so 2 and 2. I must say I am not too eager for this little guy to get here like I was with the other 3. I am enjoying all my "last time" experiences with this pregnancy. The other day my sister came over to help me sort through all the girl clothes and get rid of everything the girls are grown out of (Annabelle is now in a 3T!!! Same size as Aubree. It's crazy!) So we were getting rid of it all but there were several little cute things that I remembered on the girls that was so hard to get rid of because in my head I thought, "I will never see this again" and "I will never have another baby girl to dress up". So there will be a lot of pressure on this little boy because not only will he be the "last boy" experience, but he will be the LAST BABY experience! Oh! Can't think about that right now. It's crazy how you dream your whole life about what your family will one day look like and now I know! It will look like Donny, Aubree, Nicholas, Annabelle and Jaxon. The rest of our lives it is US! I mean, I LOVE it and I think it's absolutely perfect, but it's just crazy that it closes that "unknown" part of life. I am glad I got the baby sorting done though bc as we are busting out the seams of this house already, we REALLY gotta down-size our stuff. We don't have that much but then we do. As of now the baby is going to have his bed in our living room and that is just not cool so hopefully we will have a yard sale soon. :) Although we are "cleaning out" a lot, we did add 1 thing. We got a puppy a few weeks ago! His name is Rocco! He is a CHUG! Yes, it is actually an official name. Chihuahua and pug. His sister was adopted by my sister and her family the week before we got him and we had already been talking to the kids about getting them a puppy so we did. He is about the length of my foot (which, granted, is pretty long...but still) and about 8 inches to the top of his head but the twins are PETRIFIED of him! It's kinda funny really. They run and scream and they absolutely do NOT like him. It's enough that we would have gotten rid of him and still consider it sometimes but something keeps us from doing so and this is what that "something" is:

And she is obssessed with that poor little creature! I think she thinks he is a stuffed animal bc she just holds him and doesn't put him down. When he tries to run from her, she presses his back to the floor so he can't move his legs until she can scoop him up. (sometimes by the neck, but we're working on it!) :) So, the last time we got a pug we only had her for 4 days, this time we have passed that record so now we are working to pass our "first dog" record which was 8 months. So far, so good. We still like him. 

Donny loves dogs and I really do too

A Busy Summer almost over...

WOW! So, a lot has been going on lately. We have been super busy with typical summer stuff. Annabelle turned 2 last month! (the 18th)

 I can't believe it! My baby! She is getting to be such a big girl.

(here she is with her nana and popsy)

The twins are just on to being their crazy little selves and getting bigger as well.

(Aubree dressed herself in several layers to play outside in 102 degrees at Belle's party / Nic on our vacation)

Donny is back to work after 2 weeks out and we are hoping that something will come through for him soon so he does not end up being out of work for an extended period of time again. :~/ We will find out soon I guess.

The pregnancy is going great! Morning sickess has been completely gone for a few weeks now. I am 15 weeks tomorrow so that is really good. 25 more to go! I am a little sick today but it is not pregnancy related. We were hoping to find out if it is boy or girl at my last appointment a week and a half ago but little Wetzel was being a crazy busy baby and moving so much we could never get a good view. Here's a video of the ultrasound: (Because I know everyone is just DYING to see it, huh?) ;)




Looks like we won't find out for another month as my doctor is getting married so we decided to skip my ultrasound for September and wait until my 20 week scan. UGH! More waiting! I just wanna know! Aubree is now saying that we are having a boy so that makes it unanimous! Although...she keeps saying we are going to name the baby "Audrey". Ha!

We were so blessed to be able to take a weekend vacation just over a week ago! We went with Donny's family to Lake Mead and took their boat out for a day then were also able to go to the Circus Circus in Vegas with the kids to let them watch the circus acts.

             

We had such  blast! Also, another highlight for me...I got to have a Bavarian Cream donut from Dunkin Donuts. (Yes, I capitalized that because it is deserving of no less! MMMmmmm!) If you haven't had one, they are definitely worth driving the 2 1/2-3 hours to get one! They are a MUST for me any time we drive to Vegas now. ---and no, this is not a pregnancy thing, it's a Destiny thing---. :)

The other thing that is concluding this busy summer for me is that I am now officially back to school! I am so excited to be able to start back again and hopefully be close to a finish! Before Donny and I met, I was only a few classes from starting the nursing program. Getting married put a longer hold on that than I had anticipated and I finally got back to classes summer 2008 but then found out I was expecting the twins. I finished the summer classes but, with the twin pregnancy already being high-risk, I didn't want to add more stress to it with another semester and also didn't want to risk their priority causing me to not get high grades so I took off school again and then, having newborn twins just stayed off for a bit. Then found out I was preggo with Belle when the twins were 9 months so it just didn't seem like school was going to happen for me. :( Well, since Donny was out of work for an entire year, I, for the first time ever, have qualified for student grants so, pregnant or not, I have motivation for taking the next 2 semesters of schooling! I am only taking 1 class right now but hope to take 2 next semester to use up all my grant money. The tricky thing is that baby Wetzel is due February 27th (2 weeks after classes start, so basically I will go to week 1 of classes, the next week I will have a csection, then the week after I will be back to class...probably in a wheelchair! Haha! It doesn't matter though, if I plan to raise 4 kids while being a nurse, I have to learn to deal with difficult, right? If I can follow through with this plan, then I know that I know that I know that nothing can stop me!!! (~theme music~) Anyways, so, that was a lot of ranting simply because I am waiting for my lunch to finish cooking. Mmmmm! White cheddar pasta! But I smell is now, so gonna go! Hope you like our little pics above!

The Baby Train is Back in Motion!

6/19/12
So, even though you will not be reading this for a few more weeks, this weekend we found out we are pregnant again!!!! Donny and I for several months now have been at that point where we felt like we needed to decide, "are we done? or do we go for one more?" With 3 kids, we are already the national average sized family, not big, not small.

I always knew I wanted a lot of kids one day. As a matter of fact, when I was younger, I used to say I was going to have 12 kids: 6 natural, 6 adopted. (6 boys and 6 girls of course, because, after all, this IS a perfect world, right?) In fact, I always wanted to adopt 6 kids from 6 countries (and this was before anyone even knew who Angelina Jolie was, so NO! It was not based on trends or fads.) haha! I even had all their names picked out since I knew that my husband one day would have absolutely NO opinion on the matter and I would be able to name them all on my very own. :) I was really into the whole boys-names-for-girls thing so my girl names were always names like Quinn, Ryan, Kyle, etc. haha! well, I guess for the older generation, "Aubree" is a boy's name. At least that's the first response I get from them when I tell them her name. :) Well, I will admit that I no longer desire 12 kids (to my husband's delight and relief I'm sure) but I am ecstatic to say there is now another Wetzel in the works! I am totally one of those women who LOVES being pregnant.

Also, we are really hoping for a boy so that he can grow up close to Nicholas and all. Anyways, this past weekend I just couldn't wait so I took a test and lo and behold....POSITIVE!!! I am so excited! We both decided we wanted to wat until after we get an ultrasound before telling anyone though so even though I am writing this post now, I know that nobody will be seeing it for another month and a half. :( I am going to refer back to it and continue on it as an ongoing journal entry-style post of these first 2 months though. I know I will get many "congratulations" from all of you so I will just happily bask in them now even though you haven't even sent them yet. haha!

6/26/12
I am going just a bit crazy right now!!! A few of our close family and friends now know about the pregnancy but Donny is wanting to wait to tell his family at our big July 4th get together which is still a week away! Aubree and Nicholas already know and talk about it all the time so I'm not sure how it is going to stay quiet if they see their granparents between now and then! :) I just keep thinking to myself, ok, this is the LAST TIME we are EVER going to get to have these experiences so hopefully that will help me keep it a secret for just a bit longer. Honestly I am utterly shocked that my husband has not blurted it out yet! He is not the secret-keeping type at all. Every year he tells me ALL of my presents before Christmas even arrives! :) well...if he can do it, I can! right?


7/17/12
Well, we did not tell the family yet. ugh! This is stressing me out. I have several times now almost blurted it out or made comments to give it away. His dad wasn't there for the first part of the cookout so I kept whispering to him throughout the whole day...tell them now???? and he would shake his head "not yet". Then we went to his parents house to watch fireworks and........well, here we are 2 weeks later and still have't told them. I am pretty sure he knew the whole time he only wanted to wait until the ultrasound. I am the one who keeps pushing him to blurt it out but he is amazing me at how determined he is to wait. (honestly, I think it is because he is nervous it might be twins again so he wants to see the ultrasound first) :) I keep feeling nervous that it might be twins but I think it's just because EVERYONE keeps saying it is. Not sure why everyone wants to wish twins on someone who already has a set. haha! well, hopefully we will stik to the 30th, which is when our ultrasound is.

8/2/12
Well, it is finally out! So I will finally be able to publish this post!!! Monday was the ultrasound...

the ultrasound picture kinda sucks but this is baby wetzel at 10 weeks old. Very clearly ONE baby. (For those of you who keep joking that it still looks like there could be another, here is what the twins's ultrasound looked like:

So, as you can see...VERY different and twins are VERY clear! :)

Well, we are ecstatic and will fid out this baby's gender hopefully on August 23rd but maybe not until September 10th as those are my next 2 ultrasounds. I will definitely be letting everyone know. As you can tell by now, we are not the type to keep these things secret. Well, that is that! Baby Wetzel #4! 

27 feels so great!

Well, yesterday was my 27th birthday! My husband is so amazing! He gave me a full birthday weekend that was so crazy awesome!!! It started on Friday when we went to see the new Batman movie. (I am a super crazy fan of super heroes) :) Then had a wonderful dinner. Then the next day was one of the best days ever! He got us front row tickets to the Journey concert. (THE BEST BAND EVER!) so we got to see Loverboy and Pat Benatar, who opened for them, then sat within about 2 feet of where Arnel Pineda (lead singer for Journey) came up twice to shake hands and high five the crowd on a few different occasions throughout the concert. It was amazing to say the least! Then a wonderful Sunday beginning with church and ending with swimming at Donny's grandparents' house. It was pretty much a PERFECT weekend.

Well, I noticed I had not blogged much lately and that is because with a conference this weekend that we have been planning and preparing for hte last few weeks in a ddition to several other HUGE things going on in our lives, I have just been really busy but I do have a post that I will be posting some time next week that I just have to finish so check back Monday or Tuesday next week and it should be up! Hope everyone is having a great summer and staying comfortable in the heat!!!

Here are some pictures of the concert:

Me and Donny waiting outside the gate in the blazing heat. (Not the best part of the evening)

Loverboy opening. Didn't know their name but knew several songs. They were great!

Pat Benatar sang all her best hits! She was AMAZING! Got an encore performance. Definitely will have to go see her any time she tours. 

Pat Benatar's guitarist and husband, Neil "Spider". He was AWESOME! Donny said if we were to have another boy, we would name him "Neil Spider". :) 

And our boys! Journey's lights were so crazy it was hard to get a good picture with just my iPhone so I mostly took video.

And Deen Castronovo on drums. I was a little bummed he didn't sing his song "Mother Father" but the disappointment doesn't hold too well when the concert was so great! maybe next time. :)

And here is a video of Arnel Pineda right up close to us. I was standing up close to him while he shook hands then right at the end, Donny bumped me and said, "Put your hand up" but as soon as I went to do it, he started walking back. :(

And that was my birthday weelend! Hope all your weekends were good too! 

Faith- Seeing God's Work, Not Managing It

I have been thinking about some things that different people have said about healing and faith and other things related to faith. I know some people believe that miraculous healings are typically the result of an increase in faith or just directly related to a "large" amount of faith. enough faith to be healed. This is not something I agree with but I know that a lot of people do believe this. I have had friends who had TREMENDOUS amounts of faith that they would be healed and lived their lives serving the Lord, not to say they were perfect, but they were definitely living a repentant lifestyle which is as close to perfect as a person can get, yet they were not healed. Then I have known people who were healed while NOT living for the Lord. This is enough to prove to me that healings are not about a measure of faith. Then we also know the verse about mustard seed faith moving mountains as well, so there is biblical reference indicating that the size or amount of faith is not what allows things to happen miraculously. ---just to note, I am not saying the measure of faith is insignificant, not at ALL! It is very significant and greater measures of faith will take us farther in our walk and strengthen us in the Lord like nothing else. Continue reading and you will see what my point is. Didn't want anyone quitting on me thinking I am devaluing faith here. :) ---

I have heard (particularly recently) different people referring to something they have been praying for (healing, a loved one's salvation, a job, etc) not happening and then either they or a person speaking with them referring to them needing more faith indicating that something wasn't happening becasue they didn't have enough faith. It seems to me that a lot of times people are not understanding the purpose of faith and because of that, their faith is misdirected giving them a blindspot for where the Lord is working. For instance, I have had a painful cyst for a few months. Many people would pray that the cyst be removed and they would be freed from the pain it causes. Had this been my perspective, then I would have begun praying that back in November when it first started causing pain. Then, in March when it became excruciating, I would have assumed I had not been praying with enough faith and then would have done whatever I could to try to have an increase in faith (asking God for it, determining to myself to live in more, etc) and would have blamed myself for not being healed because of my inability to "faith it out" of myself. Now, nearly 7 months later, I would probably be disappointed in myself, and maybe having other surrendered-to-pain thoughts bc I still have it. Instead of that situation, I had a revelation about faith that has shaped my perspective in an entirely different direction.

Faith is not about what I am hoping God will do for me, it is what I KNOW God will do for Himself!

When the cyst became excruciating, it wasn't about having enough faith and praying that the cyst would be gone and I would have no more pain, that's what I wanted, but that's not what was important. It wasn't about the cyst being gone, it's about having faith in God! Not even faith in God that He is going to heal me and remove the pain, (that's putting a stipulation to my faith) but faith in God that He is going to do what is best for Himself, no stipulations! He is going to allow what is going on to work best for HIM! It's not even about what's best for me, only Him. What's best for me is that all that is best for Him is fulfilled! Because I am not my own and I don't belong to myself so even my own healing isn't about me, it's about Him in all aspects, whether it happens or not, whichever comes about is about HIS glory! So when I have this pain, my faith isn't about me praying for it to o away, rather it's about me having faith in God that whether He heals me or not, what's going to happen is going to be what's best for Him and that is what I have to have faith in. That's what is important. ALL parts of faith have to be about God. None of it can be about me or it is misplaced. Even when He does choose to heal me, it's is not for my healing, it is for HIS glory! It is still about Him!

Because of this, I can't say, "yes, I had enough faith and I was healed". Faith is what God gives us to know Him, it is not for our own selfish purposes of being healed or having a good paying job. Faith's purpose is to bring us closer to knowing God. Something the Lord showed me that really just solidified this perspective in my mind is regarding the scripture about faith the size of a mustard seed to move a mountain. He asked me, does your faith move the mountain? No! It is not our faith (small or large) that is capable of moving the mountain. It is God and only God. Then He said, if you do not have faith, does that mean I can NOT move the mountain? No! Not at ALL Lord! God can move the mountain with or without faith! If there were not a single soul in all the history of the world who had even a speck of faith, He could STILL move the mountain! So then I saw in my mind that the mountain is ALREADY being moved! Faith is the eyes to see what is already happening! Not the power behind it. GOD is the power behind what is happening, faith allows me to see what God is ALREADY doing! This is why it only takes mustard seed faith. You can see a lot through a tiny pinprick. I know this from watching the eclipse. We had a piece of paper which we pricked a tiny hole into then held it up to the sun and on the wall we could see the entire sun/moon eclipse displayed! That was like seeing the great and mighty move of God on a mustard seed scale.

(Where the shadow falls across the paper he is holding is a view of the eclips- the crescent shaped light shining through at the top left corner of the shadow)

If faith is the eyes to see what God is already doing, then that means He is doing His work despite what we want or think. If faith is what gives us the eyes to see that work, then that tells me that praying for something to happen and it not happening is totally unrelated to an amount of faith. Perhaps we should stop praying for things that are not happening and start praying for our wants and thoughts to come into alignment with God's. Then we will see that what we should be praying for...and this is what I have been saying but in different (and longer) words but when I say it this way, nobody will be able to argue it---is Your will be done! We already know God is going to do what is best for Himself. ---I don't want that to come across as a selfish thing at all! God is not selfish. He could not be LOVE if He were selfish and He is in EVERY way LOVE! In order to do what is best for us, the best must be done for Him. When all the best works out for God, glory is the result. He must always be filled with glory and all creation will constantly work to bring Him glory bc all of creation was created OUT from inside of Him in a glorious manifestation of His spoken Word! He is so full of goodness and wonderful-ness that when He is filled with glory, it overflows from Him and spills out around Him. Guess who is blessed by that? Those who are closest to Him! When we follow Him and remain at His side, He is constantly overflowing with glory and those who stand with Him are touched by it! This still does not make anything about us, it simply shows how merciful He is to allow us access to Him that as sons and daughters we might share in this! (I wanted to clarify that in case readers who do not know me may think I accuse Him of selfishness! The only Being in all of history with all rights to selfishness is the One and only who casts it so completely aside for those He loves!)---

Anyways, my head gets so full of stuff sometimes I just start typing away and have no clue if it made sense or even conveyed my thoughts accurately. I am actually pretty good with spelling and grammar but my posts show just how crazy my mind gets bc I have yet to type a post that is even close to error free. I hope I explained clearly and that you understand. If not, feel free to message or email me. Bottom line is that faith is not about us, it is about God. He will do His will which may or may not line up with our own. If we cannot see what He is doing, ask for faith. Faith will not make Him do what you want, it will only open your eyes to see what He is already doing. When you see what He is doing, you can better bring your will into alignment with His own! And ALL is for the glory of God! That is kind of a vague bottom line of all the above. Blessings!