As
we are at the 1-year mark for all of the pregnancy complications with my
preemie, Jaxon, I have been spending a lot of time reflecting on that
experience and how it has changed my life so I will probably be posting
primarily about all of that. If you are new to my blog, you can read my
previous posts to find out more about our little man by clicking on the PPROM/NICU tab above but for a brief general
overview: Jaxon is our fourth child. He was born 13 weeks premature after my
water broke at 19 weeks, I was admitted to the hospital at 23 weeks, 6 days and
I had placenta abruption at 25 weeks as well as gestational diabetes and PUPPS
and then at 27 weeks I developed sepsis and delivered him via emergency c
section. He spent 3 months in the nicu and is now 10 1/2 months old. Ok, now
that you know that, the rest of my post should make better sense o you. :)
(Jaxon with his daddy at about 2 weeks old)
(Jaxon at around 10 days old in between his 2nd and 3rd intubations)
When I first went into
labor with Jaxon at 23 weeks, 6 days, we did not have a middle name for him. In
fact, we had only a week or two before decided on his first name. As I layed in
my hosptal bed trying to get some rest as the doctor ordered, I began to toss
and turn because I was so worried about the possibilities, so I did what I
always do when I'm going through anything. I began to write. We did not know
earlier that day that I would be admitted to the hospital so I did not have any
of my things with me, but I did have my phone. I opened up the Notes app on my
phone and began typing away. I had my Bible app and began reading and just
really searching and asking the Lord to show me the purpose of this situation.
I didn't question His ways or intentions for the things I didn't understand and
I didn't ask "why me?", but I did tell Him that I needed His peace to
hold my hand. The only way to find that peace was to understand how purpose can
be revealed in such a seemingly dark situation. He never does anything without
a reason. I needed to know how to seek Him in my situation. I needed the
strength to step out in faith and remember that I can trust Him in everything!
I found that strength. Right there in my hospital bed, bed pan on the counter
next to me, IVs in my arm, right there in that room I found Him holding on to
me. I felt His arms around me squeezing me, I saw His tears falling every time
Jaxon had a heart decell on the monitor. He took no pleasure in my pain and He
never rolled His eyes at me as if to say, "just get over it. I always take
care of you, don't you get it by now?" He never said that. He just allowed
me to grieve my situation and to feel my fears. I know it sounds strange to
think that God allowed me to feel my fear, but He did. It was what I needed at
that moment. I needed to feel the fear. It wasn't the fear of not trusting Him
or wanting something different for my life. It was the fear that comes with
loving someone so much! I loved my Jaxon with a fierce and unconditional love
and I loved my Lord, my Savior, my Healer even so much more! I was not willing
to let go of my love and trust in the Lord but in that, I had to accept that I
did not know His plans for my Jaxon and because of that, I had to accept that I
may have to lose that other secondary yet still so powerful love, my son. It
was a fear of going through something that far exceeded any trial I had ever
endured and not knowing if I had the strength to endure it. It was the fear of
knowing that I did NOT have that much strength and knowing that because I did
not, I would be solely and fully dependent on the Lord's strength because it
was the only infinite source of strength in the universe. The only strength
that would not fail. When I woke up the next morning (or I think it was
morning, I did not have a window so all my days and nights ran ogether at that
time) I opened my Bible app once again and I intended to look up the exact
words for the verse Jeremiah 29:11, however, I had a temporary mental block and
was thinking it was chapter 1. That brought me to another verse that is also
familiar, Jeremiah 1:5. I read through the first 5 verses of
chapter 1 and when I got to the end of verse 5, my face was soaked with tears. (here is the link to the post I typed out on my phone at that moment: Jaxon Jeremiah Wetzel ) I stopped and texted my husband very simply "Jaxon Jeremiah" and he
wrote back immediately, "YES! I like it!" And from that moment, he
was Jaxon Jeremiah. I then continued reading through the rest of the chapter
and the more I read, the more peace began to fill me. I still did not know how
Jaxon's story would go and even thought there was a good possibility it might
end soon, but even at that thought, I had such peace and just knew that I was
ready for what was to come no matter what it was. I knew that if our miracle
looked like what we hoped it would look like, then all would be well but I also
knew that if it didn't, if the road the Lord would have us travel was not one
we would have ever wanted or even considered, then He would be my strength and
He would be my comfort. I knew I was ready to continue on and take each day as
it came but also knowing that whatever the possibilities, I was ready to accept
it with joy. I know that sounds so hard and almost impossible, but such is the
greatness of my God! Nothing is impossible with Him! Not even a mother's peace
and joy in the midst of an impossible trial. I remember several times every
single day for my month in the hospital people would say that they can't
believe how calm and at peace I was. Even the nurses would look at me as if
they wanted to remind me what a dire situation we were in. And that's not to
say I was blissful and laughing and as happy as the ending of a Christmas
movie, that's not it at all. I cried every day. I struggled with other things
every day such as pains and a horrible rash on top of devastating news
seemingly every day, but inside I had such a joy and peace that even through
the tears, I knew I was blessed every moment. And I wasn't just settling for
the cliche "every day is a gift/blessing". No, not like that. I TRULY
LEGITIMATELY felt BLESSED that the Lord looked down and saw me and my family
and desired a deeper purpose in our lives so much that He broke my water
prematurely. That is seriously the way I saw it and still see it. How amazing
that the Creator of all things would even know me and then, beyond that even,
to choose me for such a thing! That the world had never even seen Jaxon's face,
yet the One who carved the mountains and sprinkled the universe with color. KNEW
him! CALLED him! CHOSE him! WOW! Who can know His ways? I feel like all of
creation is a tapestry and through this experience, we have found our threads
in that tapestry!
Me on my hospital bedrest
Jaxon at 9 months old at home
Jaxon at about 7 months at home
Jaxon at 9 1/2 months at home
