Poem For My Jaxon Jeremiah

I wrote this about halfway through his NICU stay one day when I was sitting next to him in his isolette. He was not having a great day so I could not hold him that day so instead I started writing out my thoughts. This is what came out. It actually was incomplete for a long time. The last few verses were actually written weeks later.


My faith never wavered
Though hope had grown thin
As I sat and I waited
From the bed I was in

Seven long weeks
With the pain of not knowing
What the outcome would be
With your lungs now not growing

The numbers, the stats
The odds fully against you
In the chance I could help,
Many things that I went through

But the plans for your life
Far more than I'd known
The Creator of all things
Had chosen you, son.

He'd planned every moment
The joys and the grief
He held me to hope
Turned doubt to belief

My heart fully melted
When I first saw your face
I didn't see problems
I only saw Grace!

The pictures may tell
Of your struggle, your fight
But my witness accounts
Of the glorious might

Of a God who fights for you
And stands at your side
Every moment a whisper,
His voice as your guide.

I stood with you as you battled
But it was only yours to fight
Although you seemed so little
You were full of such might!

For 3 endless months
You overcame
Every obstacle you faced
And held true to your name

Jaxon- it means,
"Our God shows us grace"
And it's evident in
Your sweet smiling face

Jeremiah you are.
As the Lord gave to me
Jeremiah 1:5
A promise you would be!

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations."- Jeremiah 1:5

John 1:1-5
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

1John 4:4
Little children, you are from God and have overcome them, for he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.

PPROM Awareness Day - Our PPROM Journey!

(Jaxon at 2 months old- the first time he ever wore clothes)

Well, today is PPROM Awareness Day and it is also Jaxons 6 month birthday so thought I would share again about our PPROM experience and hopefully my story will help someone one day to recognize their symptoms sooner than we were able to.

On September 27th, I was 18 weeks, 1 day pregnant with Jaxon and i ran to the store to grab some milk and while in there, I slipped and fell hard on a water puddle scraping my knee and pulling a muscle in the side of my stomach. A few days later I had my 18 week scan and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. However, for the next couple weeks I had what I would later find out was leaking but at the time, I just dismissed it as a weak bladder. :) On October 18th, I was 21 weeks 1 day along, I woke up and went to the restroom and blood gushed everywhere! Hysterical, I yelled for Donny who immediately called his mom to come get the kids and we rushed to labor and delivery. I was shaking and crying the entire 1 hour trip there. I thought we had just lost our precious little boy. When we got to the hospital, the bleeding had stopped and his heartrate was strong. The doctors never did an ultrasound and I didn't know to insist on one at the time. As my bleeding had stopped by then, they didn't seem to believe me that it had been a lot and they sent me home with little more than the assurance that he had a good heartrate. Knowing he had not passed was enough to calm me though so we didn't push for any more than that. (Every single day for the rest of the pregnancy, i would have these bleeding episodes though that would sometimes last all day and night and sometimes only last a couple hours. )The next week I had a check up ultrasound with my doctor, whom I will call dr. T. He did a detailed scan to check for abruption, which is a big reason for heavy bleeding. The placenta looked good and I was not in any progressive labor so he finished up but let us look at our little guy for a second first. As we watched him moving around, I noticed that he did not have much fluid. (By my fourth child I've gotten good at reading these scans) :) I said, "does it look like his fluid is low?" He said, "no, his bottom is just pushed against the placenta." Then he moved it around a bit then said, "actually.....yeah it does look a little bit low" at that point he started moving it around and could not find very much fluid at all. From that scan, he referred me to perinatology. The next week I met with the awesomest perinatologist ever! I will call him Dr. Y. At this scan, he counted that my fluids were approximately 3cm where they were supposed to be between 11-20cm. He could find no problems with the baby's anatomy nor with me though, so couldn't quite figure out why it was so low but determined that perhaps our little Jaxon had contracted a virus and was retaining fluid causing the amniotic sac to have less. He said once he recovered it should release back into the sac and be fine so I was to see him again for follow up in 4 weeks, however, that appointment would never happen. A few days later, on November 6th, I woke up once again and had the most blood ever. Back to the hospital even though I knew they were not going to have answers so didn't want to go but Donny was determined that we were going and we were not leaving until we had definite answers! We got a much better L&D dr this time though. She immediately ordered an ultrasound and a swab test. The ultrasound showed that i had "no measurable fluid" and The swab confirmed that the "bleeding" I had been having was actually amniotic fluid tinged with a little bit of blood. I was immediately admitted and that day, they discovered I was in labor. I was only 23 weeks, 6 days at this time and my baby had a 3% chance of survival and less than 1% of survival without long term complications. My contractions were still far apart so with iv and absolute strict bed rest (and prayers from our ENTIRE church as well as churches in our network across the globe) after 4 days, they stopped and I was moved to antepardum on moderate to strict bed rest meaning I was able to get up to use the restroom and shower but that was it. I spent 26 days in my room. I had 3 rounds of steroids, several antibiotics (as infection risk dramatically increases without fluid and can be life threatening to both mom and baby) I had 2-3 ultrasounds a week for fluid count. my highest fluid count was 6cm and my lowest was 1cm but i pretty much always stayed around 2-3cm. As I had developed gestational diabetes from the steroids and bed resting, I also had a special diet and blood sugar checks 4 times a day. I also met with the perinatologist every morning Monday through Friday. At 25 weeks 1 day, the placenta began to abrupt. Labor began almost immediately but they quickly put me on iv and it stopped within about 12 hours of starting. Then at 27 weeks 2 days, labor began again. I was not panicked this time as I figured they would get it stopped as they had twice before, however hours passed and it was not subsiding. I went to sleep that night with constant monitoring, meaning I had two NST monitor things strapped tightly around my belly and was not able to move as I slept so they wouldn't lose the baby's heart. :( I also had the iv back on hoping it would work to stop labor again. By morning, the contractions had gotten stronger and closer so they gave me magnesium sulfate to help neural development bc it seemed delivery was going to be soon. We hoped the mag would also stop the contractions but after 6 hours, they got worse and worse until finally I reached 2.5cm and was rushed for emergency delivery. The delivery story and Nicu story are on my blog if you wanna read about those (click on the "pprom/Nicu" link on my blog.) every day I think "if I had known then what I know now...how different things could have been" but God had His hand in everything and even though my sweet boy struggled and had a hard fight, he is home and healthy and strong and as crazy as it sounds, I wouldn't change a bit of it! I'm so thankful for all the pprom moms I've met online who encouraged me all along the way. We were very fortunate. Many babies don't survive pprom that early. The biggest danger for pprom babies is lung issues. Amniotic fluid is what develops the lungs and during the late second and throughout the third trimester, babies learn to breathe by sucking in the amniotic fluid. We never made it to the third trimester but even during the lung development phase of the second trimester, Jaxon had very little fluid so, like most pprom babies, his lung development was stunted and not even developed to his stage of gestation. This is why he had such severe chronic lung disease and was on oxygen for his first 9 1/2 months of life. This is what usually ends up being too much for the sweet pprom babies who don't make it. My hope is that one day soon, all pregnant women will be made aware of pprom and taught to recognize early signs of it so they can get early treatment and care. As of now, there is no "fix" for it. Once the sac has ruptured, it cannot be mended. There is about a 1% chance it may reseal, but nothing that can be done to better the chances of it happening.  It is also not fully understood what typically causes it. some cases are a little clearer such as mine where i fell or some women who rupture from the strain of severe vomiting, but most women rupture in their sleep or while doing minimal activities. There are procedures that are thought to be helpful for replenishing the fluid but even those have other risks to the baby. Pprom is still not very widely researched, however, I am very grateful for an amazing foundation for pprom research, The Connor Wayne Combs Foundation, named for a precious pprom angel who did not survive his fight. The website for this organization is: www.cwcpprom.org

I am so blessed to have my pprom fighter still here with me but I pray those lives lost in the battle will not be lost in vain and that their stories and the stories of the survivors will make a difference for those yet unborn by bringing pprom into greater awareness within the prenatal world.

Here is my handsome guy today on his 6 month birthday!!! He is still on oxygen but we took it off for these pics to see his handsome face. Other than some delays and his oxygen, he is doing so amazing now!!! (And look at the bottom picture. That was one of his first preemie outfits. He wore it th first time at 3 months old and it swallowed him up and now look how much longer his legs are!