It's Okay to Grieve

I'm cleaning up my blog to start some new things and I came across this post that I never published before. It was just sitting in my drafts and when I read through it, I knew I had to publish it. It is left unfinished at the bottom but perhaps it can just be a thought provoker rather than some enlightening answer to all of life's questions. I didn't want it to remain a draft but I also don't feel the need to disturb it either so here it is undisturbed and unfinished but contained in it is a lot of truth I think a lot of people need to hear.

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Previous posts share specific details about different aspects of our journey with Jaxon. I've noticed when people want to know about our journey, they typically want to know 3 specific things. 

1. What went wrong in the pregnancy? 

2. What was his Nicu journey like?? 

3. How is he now? (Of course, most people are only asking this because they want me to say "perfect!" Rather than truly telling them about any hurdles he has remaining. But that's a different post for a different day) ☺️

I've shared the most details on his Nicu journey previously and a little bit about the pregnancy and here and there on how he is doing now. I noticed though that I have never shared what I feel is the most important thing to learn from our journey. It's not medical knowledge, it's not about overcoming adversity or even miracles or even EVEN the power of prayer! The most significant thing I've learned from our journey is that God is good! He is good in EVERYTHING! Not because we are blessed to have a survivor. Even if jaxon did not survive, God is good! He is always good! Part of that is seeing the thread He so intricately wove through every part of our journey. That thread that in some parts is only barely visible but still very much there. He IS that thread and He holds all the other threads of our life-tapestry together. Everything is connected. So you don't have to go searching through previous posts to learn our backstory first, I will link them first. Click on the links to learn about what we have lived through with our youngest son- the pregnancy and his birth and health crisis. If you have already followed his journey, you can skip the stories and continue below:

PREGNANCY

BIRTH

NICU

Miracles happen! They happened to us! As crazy as it sounds, I feel so blessed to have gone through all we went through with my little man bc without all of it, we wouldn't be the strong family we are today. I would never have seen how strong and mighty my little (once 2lb 6oz) Miracle is and how great my awesome and powerful and good God is!!! We are so blessed to be on the "survivor" side of the tally sheet but we are not blinded to the fact that too many of these warriors are on the other side of that sheet. We remember our angel buddies daily and pray for their families living out their lives without their precious miracles in their arms. I don't understand why some survive and others don't when they are all so precious and so deserving of a long healthy life. I know in the end God has a purpose in everything He does and His purposes are for our good and not our destruction. These words don't fix a grieving heart when we can see so much good in a different and easier outcome, but the truth of them is what pulls us through. It's a truth that we don't want to face when the situation is too difficult, but it is also so deeply imbedded in our hearts that we don't HAVE to "face" it just like we don't HAVE to acknowledge daily that the sky is blue. It just is and it's the only reality we know.  Sometimes we fight things not because we are trying to battle against God, but because we can't NOT fight and He is the One who is there in every part of our situation. Like the best friend you vent all your frustrations to. They take it because they care and they understand your need to vent. God is there and understands that although these things are ultimately for good, they are still hard for us. He is the best friend who is there for us to vent to. I love that in my most intense time when we (including doctors) didn't think Jaxon would survive, I cried out to Him and He didn't say "he's gonna be fine! I just know it!" Or, "just have faith!" Or "God is in control" or any of the things people say with good intention but not realizing it's really not the right thing to say. Instead, He remained quiet. He knew I knew all those things, I didn't need reminding. I needed to grieve. Grieving is a psychological process that helps us to cope. It's a necessary process, it's healthy.