My Happy Birthdays

Today is my 29th birthday!!! I wanted to just post this little timeline of my last decade because it's just amazing to me how much 10 years can change a person. 10 years ago from today, I was a waitress and I was single and not even remotely interested in dating. My 5 year plan was to do some world traveling with my dad for the next two years while finishing up my journalism classes. I then wanted to start nursing school and become a nicu nurse. (little did I know that the next decade would give me personal experience in the nicu with my own 3 preemies that would even more solidify that desire) I thought I would marry around age 27 or so and have kids around 30. I wanted a career more than anything else for my life. I wanted a family, but it just wasn't a priority. 

Anyways, I am so grateful God knows best and works things out for our good because I can't imagine if I had stuck to my plan and never married my husband or had our kids. I can't imagine I would have been near as happy or fulfilled had I finished my schooling and become a nurse and never had my own sweet little ones. Of course, the current "plan" is to still go through nursing school once Jaxon is in school (but of course, I now know as much as anyone that even that may change) but I just don't want to miss even a second of their lives that I don't absolutely have to. I am so grateful for a husband who works so hard and affords me the opportunity to stay home with them. I am so blessed with my life. If I had known back then what it would be like now, this is exactly what I would have set as my 10 year plan. Things may not have always been easy or gone the way I wanted, but the end result is exactly "everything I never knew I always wanted". (I've always loved that line from the movie Fools Rush In) :) Anyways, here is the timeline of my last ten years. I am so excited about this final year of my 20s. I am so excited to begin a new decade next year. I am such a blessed lady and thank the Lord so much for giving me the life He gave me!

In 2005, I turned 20 years old and kicked off this past decade of my life with an amazing trip to South Africa with my dad. 

In 2006, I married my husband, 

In 2007 I started working at our church and running the women's ministry, 

In 2008 I got pregnant with our twins, Aubree and Nicholas and we bought our first home. 

In 2009 I had the twins and got pregnant with my little Annabelle. 

(Aubree at about 12 hours old)

(Nicholas at about 12 hours old)

 (This is me actually only 5 days she was born)

In 2010, I delivered Belle making us a family of 5. 

 (Me and Belle in recovery. She is about 45 minutes old here. My big ole 9lb baby)

 (First Family of 5 photos)

 (Annabelle at 6 months old)

In 2011 we went through the most major changes in our family, losing our home, being out of work most of the year, a cancer scare with Nicholas and so many other things that made us into a stronger and more united family than ever. 

In 2012, we found out we were pregnant with Jaxon and then delivered him 3 months premature. 

(Me holding Jaxon at 2 days old. He was able to come off his breathing tube for almost a day so I got to hold him really early for a micropreemie)

In 2013, we brought Jaxon home from the hospital and went through the biggest change as a family ever that has once again, changed the entire dynamic and purpose of our family unit. 

(The kids in September. Jaxon is 9 months, Annabelle is 3 and twins are 4)

2014 is just over halfway finished but so far, we have become the ambassador family for March of Dimes, have joined several other advocacy groups and have been able to work with so many other families going through the struggles that come with having a sick baby or child- a mission that I intend to work with for the rest of my life. 

 (All of us at the beach in spring 2014)

This last decade has been hard and stressful and seemingly impossible at times but has been such an amazing ride! Today is the first day of my last year in my 20s. A lot of people enter their 30s regretting many choices they made in their 20s but I am so glad that I have no regrets and can look back on this past decade and be proud of all I have been blessed with and all that the Lord has given me the opportunity to do!

What's in a name...

As we are at the 1-year mark for all of the pregnancy complications with my preemie, Jaxon, I have been spending a lot of time reflecting on that experience and how it has changed my life so I will probably be posting primarily about all of that. If you are new to my blog, you can read my previous posts to find out more about our little man by clicking on the PPROM/NICU tab above but for a brief general overview: Jaxon is our fourth child. He was born 13 weeks premature after my water broke at 19 weeks, I was admitted to the hospital at 23 weeks, 6 days and I had placenta abruption at 25 weeks as well as gestational diabetes and PUPPS and then at 27 weeks I developed sepsis and delivered him via emergency c section. He spent 3 months in the nicu and is now 10 1/2 months old. Ok, now that you know that, the rest of my post should make better sense o you. :)

(Jaxon with his daddy at about 2 weeks old)

(Jaxon at around 10 days old in between his 2nd and 3rd intubations)



When I first went into labor with Jaxon at 23 weeks, 6 days, we did not have a middle name for him. In fact, we had only a week or two before decided on his first name. As I layed in my hosptal bed trying to get some rest as the doctor ordered, I began to toss and turn because I was so worried about the possibilities, so I did what I always do when I'm going through anything. I began to write. We did not know earlier that day that I would be admitted to the hospital so I did not have any of my things with me, but I did have my phone. I opened up the Notes app on my phone and began typing away. I had my Bible app and began reading and just really searching and asking the Lord to show me the purpose of this situation. I didn't question His ways or intentions for the things I didn't understand and I didn't ask "why me?", but I did tell Him that I needed His peace to hold my hand. The only way to find that peace was to understand how purpose can be revealed in such a seemingly dark situation. He never does anything without a reason. I needed to know how to seek Him in my situation. I needed the strength to step out in faith and remember that I can trust Him in everything! I found that strength. Right there in my hospital bed, bed pan on the counter next to me, IVs in my arm, right there in that room I found Him holding on to me. I felt His arms around me squeezing me, I saw His tears falling every time Jaxon had a heart decell on the monitor. He took no pleasure in my pain and He never rolled His eyes at me as if to say, "just get over it. I always take care of you, don't you get it by now?" He never said that. He just allowed me to grieve my situation and to feel my fears. I know it sounds strange to think that God allowed me to feel my fear, but He did. It was what I needed at that moment. I needed to feel the fear. It wasn't the fear of not trusting Him or wanting something different for my life. It was the fear that comes with loving someone so much! I loved my Jaxon with a fierce and unconditional love and I loved my Lord, my Savior, my Healer even so much more! I was not willing to let go of my love and trust in the Lord but in that, I had to accept that I did not know His plans for my Jaxon and because of that, I had to accept that I may have to lose that other secondary yet still so powerful love, my son. It was a fear of going through something that far exceeded any trial I had ever endured and not knowing if I had the strength to endure it. It was the fear of knowing that I did NOT have that much strength and knowing that because I did not, I would be solely and fully dependent on the Lord's strength because it was the only infinite source of strength in the universe. The only strength that would not fail. When I woke up the next morning (or I think it was morning, I did not have a window so all my days and nights ran ogether at that time) I opened my Bible app once again and I intended to look up the exact words for the verse Jeremiah 29:11, however, I had a temporary mental block and was thinking it was chapter 1. That brought me to another verse that is also familiar, Jeremiah 1:5. I read through the first 5 verses of chapter 1 and when I got to the end of verse 5, my face was soaked with tears. (here is the link to the post I typed out on my phone at that moment: Jaxon Jeremiah Wetzel ) I stopped and texted my husband very simply "Jaxon Jeremiah" and he wrote back immediately, "YES! I like it!" And from that moment, he was Jaxon Jeremiah. I then continued reading through the rest of the chapter and the more I read, the more peace began to fill me. I still did not know how Jaxon's story would go and even thought there was a good possibility it might end soon, but even at that thought, I had such peace and just knew that I was ready for what was to come no matter what it was. I knew that if our miracle looked like what we hoped it would look like, then all would be well but I also knew that if it didn't, if the road the Lord would have us travel was not one we would have ever wanted or even considered, then He would be my strength and He would be my comfort. I knew I was ready to continue on and take each day as it came but also knowing that whatever the possibilities, I was ready to accept it with joy. I know that sounds so hard and almost impossible, but such is the greatness of my God! Nothing is impossible with Him! Not even a mother's peace and joy in the midst of an impossible trial. I remember several times every single day for my month in the hospital people would say that they can't believe how calm and at peace I was. Even the nurses would look at me as if they wanted to remind me what a dire situation we were in. And that's not to say I was blissful and laughing and as happy as the ending of a Christmas movie, that's not it at all. I cried every day. I struggled with other things every day such as pains and a horrible rash on top of devastating news seemingly every day, but inside I had such a joy and peace that even through the tears, I knew I was blessed every moment. And I wasn't just settling for the cliche "every day is a gift/blessing". No, not like that. I TRULY LEGITIMATELY felt BLESSED that the Lord looked down and saw me and my family and desired a deeper purpose in our lives so much that He broke my water prematurely. That is seriously the way I saw it and still see it. How amazing that the Creator of all things would even know me and then, beyond that even, to choose me for such a thing! That the world had never even seen Jaxon's face, yet the One who carved the mountains and sprinkled the universe with color. KNEW him! CALLED him! CHOSE him! WOW! Who can know His ways? I feel like all of creation is a tapestry and through this experience, we have found our threads in that tapestry! 

Me on my hospital bedrest

Jaxon at 9 months old at home

 Jaxon at about 7 months at home

Jaxon at 9 1/2 months at home

Poem For My Jaxon Jeremiah

I wrote this about halfway through his NICU stay one day when I was sitting next to him in his isolette. He was not having a great day so I could not hold him that day so instead I started writing out my thoughts. This is what came out. It actually was incomplete for a long time. The last few verses were actually written weeks later.


My faith never wavered
Though hope had grown thin
As I sat and I waited
From the bed I was in

Seven long weeks
With the pain of not knowing
What the outcome would be
With your lungs now not growing

The numbers, the stats
The odds fully against you
In the chance I could help,
Many things that I went through

But the plans for your life
Far more than I'd known
The Creator of all things
Had chosen you, son.

He'd planned every moment
The joys and the grief
He held me to hope
Turned doubt to belief

My heart fully melted
When I first saw your face
I didn't see problems
I only saw Grace!

The pictures may tell
Of your struggle, your fight
But my witness accounts
Of the glorious might

Of a God who fights for you
And stands at your side
Every moment a whisper,
His voice as your guide.

I stood with you as you battled
But it was only yours to fight
Although you seemed so little
You were full of such might!

For 3 endless months
You overcame
Every obstacle you faced
And held true to your name

Jaxon- it means,
"Our God shows us grace"
And it's evident in
Your sweet smiling face

Jeremiah you are.
As the Lord gave to me
Jeremiah 1:5
A promise you would be!

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations."- Jeremiah 1:5

John 1:1-5
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

1John 4:4
Little children, you are from God and have overcome them, for he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.

A Busy Summer almost over...

WOW! So, a lot has been going on lately. We have been super busy with typical summer stuff. Annabelle turned 2 last month! (the 18th)

 I can't believe it! My baby! She is getting to be such a big girl.

(here she is with her nana and popsy)

The twins are just on to being their crazy little selves and getting bigger as well.

(Aubree dressed herself in several layers to play outside in 102 degrees at Belle's party / Nic on our vacation)

Donny is back to work after 2 weeks out and we are hoping that something will come through for him soon so he does not end up being out of work for an extended period of time again. :~/ We will find out soon I guess.

The pregnancy is going great! Morning sickess has been completely gone for a few weeks now. I am 15 weeks tomorrow so that is really good. 25 more to go! I am a little sick today but it is not pregnancy related. We were hoping to find out if it is boy or girl at my last appointment a week and a half ago but little Wetzel was being a crazy busy baby and moving so much we could never get a good view. Here's a video of the ultrasound: (Because I know everyone is just DYING to see it, huh?) ;)




Looks like we won't find out for another month as my doctor is getting married so we decided to skip my ultrasound for September and wait until my 20 week scan. UGH! More waiting! I just wanna know! Aubree is now saying that we are having a boy so that makes it unanimous! Although...she keeps saying we are going to name the baby "Audrey". Ha!

We were so blessed to be able to take a weekend vacation just over a week ago! We went with Donny's family to Lake Mead and took their boat out for a day then were also able to go to the Circus Circus in Vegas with the kids to let them watch the circus acts.

             

We had such  blast! Also, another highlight for me...I got to have a Bavarian Cream donut from Dunkin Donuts. (Yes, I capitalized that because it is deserving of no less! MMMmmmm!) If you haven't had one, they are definitely worth driving the 2 1/2-3 hours to get one! They are a MUST for me any time we drive to Vegas now. ---and no, this is not a pregnancy thing, it's a Destiny thing---. :)

The other thing that is concluding this busy summer for me is that I am now officially back to school! I am so excited to be able to start back again and hopefully be close to a finish! Before Donny and I met, I was only a few classes from starting the nursing program. Getting married put a longer hold on that than I had anticipated and I finally got back to classes summer 2008 but then found out I was expecting the twins. I finished the summer classes but, with the twin pregnancy already being high-risk, I didn't want to add more stress to it with another semester and also didn't want to risk their priority causing me to not get high grades so I took off school again and then, having newborn twins just stayed off for a bit. Then found out I was preggo with Belle when the twins were 9 months so it just didn't seem like school was going to happen for me. :( Well, since Donny was out of work for an entire year, I, for the first time ever, have qualified for student grants so, pregnant or not, I have motivation for taking the next 2 semesters of schooling! I am only taking 1 class right now but hope to take 2 next semester to use up all my grant money. The tricky thing is that baby Wetzel is due February 27th (2 weeks after classes start, so basically I will go to week 1 of classes, the next week I will have a csection, then the week after I will be back to class...probably in a wheelchair! Haha! It doesn't matter though, if I plan to raise 4 kids while being a nurse, I have to learn to deal with difficult, right? If I can follow through with this plan, then I know that I know that I know that nothing can stop me!!! (~theme music~) Anyways, so, that was a lot of ranting simply because I am waiting for my lunch to finish cooking. Mmmmm! White cheddar pasta! But I smell is now, so gonna go! Hope you like our little pics above!

The Baby Train is Back in Motion!

6/19/12
So, even though you will not be reading this for a few more weeks, this weekend we found out we are pregnant again!!!! Donny and I for several months now have been at that point where we felt like we needed to decide, "are we done? or do we go for one more?" With 3 kids, we are already the national average sized family, not big, not small.

I always knew I wanted a lot of kids one day. As a matter of fact, when I was younger, I used to say I was going to have 12 kids: 6 natural, 6 adopted. (6 boys and 6 girls of course, because, after all, this IS a perfect world, right?) In fact, I always wanted to adopt 6 kids from 6 countries (and this was before anyone even knew who Angelina Jolie was, so NO! It was not based on trends or fads.) haha! I even had all their names picked out since I knew that my husband one day would have absolutely NO opinion on the matter and I would be able to name them all on my very own. :) I was really into the whole boys-names-for-girls thing so my girl names were always names like Quinn, Ryan, Kyle, etc. haha! well, I guess for the older generation, "Aubree" is a boy's name. At least that's the first response I get from them when I tell them her name. :) Well, I will admit that I no longer desire 12 kids (to my husband's delight and relief I'm sure) but I am ecstatic to say there is now another Wetzel in the works! I am totally one of those women who LOVES being pregnant.

Also, we are really hoping for a boy so that he can grow up close to Nicholas and all. Anyways, this past weekend I just couldn't wait so I took a test and lo and behold....POSITIVE!!! I am so excited! We both decided we wanted to wat until after we get an ultrasound before telling anyone though so even though I am writing this post now, I know that nobody will be seeing it for another month and a half. :( I am going to refer back to it and continue on it as an ongoing journal entry-style post of these first 2 months though. I know I will get many "congratulations" from all of you so I will just happily bask in them now even though you haven't even sent them yet. haha!

6/26/12
I am going just a bit crazy right now!!! A few of our close family and friends now know about the pregnancy but Donny is wanting to wait to tell his family at our big July 4th get together which is still a week away! Aubree and Nicholas already know and talk about it all the time so I'm not sure how it is going to stay quiet if they see their granparents between now and then! :) I just keep thinking to myself, ok, this is the LAST TIME we are EVER going to get to have these experiences so hopefully that will help me keep it a secret for just a bit longer. Honestly I am utterly shocked that my husband has not blurted it out yet! He is not the secret-keeping type at all. Every year he tells me ALL of my presents before Christmas even arrives! :) well...if he can do it, I can! right?


7/17/12
Well, we did not tell the family yet. ugh! This is stressing me out. I have several times now almost blurted it out or made comments to give it away. His dad wasn't there for the first part of the cookout so I kept whispering to him throughout the whole day...tell them now???? and he would shake his head "not yet". Then we went to his parents house to watch fireworks and........well, here we are 2 weeks later and still have't told them. I am pretty sure he knew the whole time he only wanted to wait until the ultrasound. I am the one who keeps pushing him to blurt it out but he is amazing me at how determined he is to wait. (honestly, I think it is because he is nervous it might be twins again so he wants to see the ultrasound first) :) I keep feeling nervous that it might be twins but I think it's just because EVERYONE keeps saying it is. Not sure why everyone wants to wish twins on someone who already has a set. haha! well, hopefully we will stik to the 30th, which is when our ultrasound is.

8/2/12
Well, it is finally out! So I will finally be able to publish this post!!! Monday was the ultrasound...

the ultrasound picture kinda sucks but this is baby wetzel at 10 weeks old. Very clearly ONE baby. (For those of you who keep joking that it still looks like there could be another, here is what the twins's ultrasound looked like:

So, as you can see...VERY different and twins are VERY clear! :)

Well, we are ecstatic and will fid out this baby's gender hopefully on August 23rd but maybe not until September 10th as those are my next 2 ultrasounds. I will definitely be letting everyone know. As you can tell by now, we are not the type to keep these things secret. Well, that is that! Baby Wetzel #4! 

27 feels so great!

Well, yesterday was my 27th birthday! My husband is so amazing! He gave me a full birthday weekend that was so crazy awesome!!! It started on Friday when we went to see the new Batman movie. (I am a super crazy fan of super heroes) :) Then had a wonderful dinner. Then the next day was one of the best days ever! He got us front row tickets to the Journey concert. (THE BEST BAND EVER!) so we got to see Loverboy and Pat Benatar, who opened for them, then sat within about 2 feet of where Arnel Pineda (lead singer for Journey) came up twice to shake hands and high five the crowd on a few different occasions throughout the concert. It was amazing to say the least! Then a wonderful Sunday beginning with church and ending with swimming at Donny's grandparents' house. It was pretty much a PERFECT weekend.

Well, I noticed I had not blogged much lately and that is because with a conference this weekend that we have been planning and preparing for hte last few weeks in a ddition to several other HUGE things going on in our lives, I have just been really busy but I do have a post that I will be posting some time next week that I just have to finish so check back Monday or Tuesday next week and it should be up! Hope everyone is having a great summer and staying comfortable in the heat!!!

Here are some pictures of the concert:

Me and Donny waiting outside the gate in the blazing heat. (Not the best part of the evening)

Loverboy opening. Didn't know their name but knew several songs. They were great!

Pat Benatar sang all her best hits! She was AMAZING! Got an encore performance. Definitely will have to go see her any time she tours. 

Pat Benatar's guitarist and husband, Neil "Spider". He was AWESOME! Donny said if we were to have another boy, we would name him "Neil Spider". :) 

And our boys! Journey's lights were so crazy it was hard to get a good picture with just my iPhone so I mostly took video.

And Deen Castronovo on drums. I was a little bummed he didn't sing his song "Mother Father" but the disappointment doesn't hold too well when the concert was so great! maybe next time. :)

And here is a video of Arnel Pineda right up close to us. I was standing up close to him while he shook hands then right at the end, Donny bumped me and said, "Put your hand up" but as soon as I went to do it, he started walking back. :(

And that was my birthday weelend! Hope all your weekends were good too! 

Just because I never want to forget...

Oh my goodness! My kids crack me up all the time but tonight they have been on a roll! So, first off:

In the car on the way home from church tonight, Nicholas and Aubree wanted to play with my phone. I told them no bc I am trying to put new limits on their iPhone/iPad play time now. To distract them, I told them to look outside and tell me what they see. They saw the cars, stores, lights, "green light means go....red light means stop! stop! stop!" and several other things they saw. Then they saw the moon and stars and they started talking about flying. Nicholas said "Jesus is flying in the sky." I asked him where Jesus was at and if he saw Him. He said he didn't that "Jesus is in His room." I asked him where Jesus' room was at and he said "It's on the moon!" I asked if it was inside the moon and he said (with attitude might I add) "NO! It's ON the moon!" OH! Well EXCUSE me for not knowing! :) Then Aubree said she wanted to fly to the moon to see Him. I told her to close her eyes and she could fly there and she looked at me with a very sad pouty face and said, "I can't" I asked "why not?" (my tone and face matching the sadness in her eyes) and she answered, "Because I don't have any pixie dust."

So that had me giggling (inwardly as I didn't want to offend her grief at being out of "pixie dust"- you see why we are limiting their tv/gadgets time now?) :)

(Ok, so this is totally not the picture from tonight, it's about 1 year old, but my, my my, look how they've grown!)

I was putting the kids down when Donny decided he wanted some Annabelle time so he got her out of bed. So that the twins wouldn't get upset, I laid in their bed with them for a little bit. Aubree asked, "Will you tell us a story about Jesus?" (They ALWAYS want me to tell them a story---which I usually just completely make up over the top funny stories about the adventures of Aubree, Nicholas and BelleBelle---and tonight they had their Wednesday night church class so she was a little more specific on the type of story)

I was thrilled, of course, so I started telling them about how Jesus "made everything but out of everything He made, His people are His very favorite! Just like NicNic has a favorite blankie!---What is NicNic's favorite blankie?" Both the twins shouted excitedly, "soccer blankie!!!" (He has a blanket with soccer balls on it and it is by FAR his favorite!) I said, "that's right! and that is his very favorite out of ALL his blankies! Just like the soccer blankie is NicNic's favorite, Jesus' favorite thing out of EVERYTHING He made is His people! He loves His people more than the sun and the moon and the trees and the animals!" Nicholas said, "and Jesus is in my heart!" I said, "yes, that's right! Becasue He loves you and you love Jesus so He is in your heart."

Then Nicholas tipped his chin to his chest and looked at his "heart" then grabbed at it with his hand pulling on his skin. He said, "Mommy, I want my heart to be bigger so Jesus can come out of it and play with me!" Oh, it made me giggle! I had to ask him to repeat it so he did. Then he asked, "When Jesus comes out of my heart He makes my heart bleeb." (translation: "BLEED") I smiled and said, "your heart bleebs?" He said, "Yes. It's too ouchie. It's ouchie when Jesus comes out of my hear. I want my heart to be bigger." I told him that "Jesus is very special and He can do very special things. He can be out of your heart and play with you AND stay in your heart and take care of you all at the same time!" I knew he wouldn't understand so I was already preparing a simpler answer but then realized I didn't need one when he just simply said, "Oh." and truly seemed content with that. It just made me realize how significant and profound are the simple verses telling us that we must be as children. How is it that a 3 year old understands something that my own educated mind has a hard time grasping!?

Blood to Grace- A granddaughter's lesson of redemption

Okay, so I just wrote this and it is REEEEEAAAALLLLYYYY long! I don't have pictures but will put some on it tomorrow to help break it up!
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So, I've been grieving for my grandfather a lot lately. It's kind of strange actually as it has been exactly 2 years already since his passing. Even stranger that I have been missing him so much even though the last ten years we lived on opposite sides of the country. The last 2 weeks particularly I have truly missed him (even his famous grumpy grouchy ways) and I did not even realize that we are at the 2 year mark until seriously like 10 minutes ago when I was settling down to start typing this out. About 2 weeks ago I was sitting at my desk at work when I looked up and saw a picture that was taken the last time I saw him. I was pregnant with the twins and had gone back to Georgia with my immediate family to visit all the rest of my family! After having been there for a few days, we were getting ready to leave and we all knew that it could possibly be the last time we saw him so it was so important to take pictures...and we took a lot! and i am so glad we did although he did live another 18 months after that. (yes, I did just use my fingers and amazing math skills to calculate that!- bc it takes "amazing math skills" to do the kind of math you use your fingers to do. haha!) The picture on my desk is one we took and it is of me with my slightly bulging belly and my mamaw and grandaddy.

That day as I sat at my desk working on busy assignments, I saw that picture and immediately my eyes watered up although I am not typically a crier but for some strange reason it just hit me that day. I was not sad about his passing, I am confident he is now in Heaven with our precious Lord. I wasn't even sad for my own self not having him around, I had already gotten used to him not being close by due to our living separation. It was kind of one of those things that I guess only people in this situation can understand. Quickly I thought of 2 specific things that immediately made my eyes water though I could not be sad about them, only a strange feeling of...I don't know...loss, grief? They seem so different from sadness in this instance. It's difficult to explain how I grieve but during it I am still joyful and happy and not a bit sad about it. I always thought that would be a contradiction but now I find it makes perfect sense? Does it make sense to you? I hope so bc I am moving on. :) Those 2 things that made my grief bubble up were as follows:

1. My grandfather's life was so full of stories. I remember growing up and listening to him tell the stories. As I look back I wonder if some were even true but as he always seemed so strong and sure, I choose to believe they all are. The one about my great...[not sure how many "greats"]...great grandmother who was cherokee and she was sitting in a chair watching a storm out the window and got struck by lightening. (I'm really not sure of any of the details of that story though he may or may not have told me...I was VERY little when I remember him telling it, but I remember him telling me that it happened and however my mind may have mixed up the story from a little child to now, I do know that he said she was so many "greats" up there and got struck through a window. IT is the very picture I have in my head.) I remember him telling me about how somewhere up in our line, another great[...]great grandmother ran over her husband with a wagon and although I can't remember why, I remember that it WAS intentionally. So, I know it's a horrible thing to have a murderer in the family stories, but as it was no fault of his nor mine, it does make for interesting stories. There are so many more about him when he was younga and all the way up through his life, many that he shared and many that were shared by others about him. The part of grief inthese is that I can't remember some of the details anymore and he is no longer here to remind me. Like I said, I truly have no feelings of sadness, it is just more of a..."oh, I wish he was here to remind me what happened with such and such!" So, that is one thing that made my grief well up was the reminder that I may never know those things again

2. I was 4 months pregnant with Annabelle when he passed. Only a couple of weeks before, my mamaw had been out here in California for my little sister's wedding and while she was out here, I found out we were having a girl! I was ecstatic because we planned to name her Annabelle (which was my grandaddy's mom's name). Then my mamaw went home to find that he had worstened and within a couple short weeks, he passed. I talked to him on the phone only 1 week before he did. He could hardly speak as the emphyzema was suppressing every breath he needed just to utter a sound. When I first called, he was able to briefly say his grandaddy things like, "hey baby" and "miss you" and "love you" but after only about 30-45 seconds, it was just quick sounds he made. As I do when I am overly nervous, anxious, sad or any other abundance of emotion, Ijust began rambling non-stop about pretty much everything that happened in the last so many days or weeks of my life. I recognized that he couldn't even breathe enough to verbally respond so I just wanted to tell him everything I could so I could know that he knew. In all that, the one thing that even now I wish I could have said was about the only thing I did not say and it is the thing that very much grieves me when I think about him and that is that "I named my baby Annabelle after your mom". I don't usually tell people these thoughts bc they will just come back with the annoying comments that, "he knows now. He's looking down and sees her and he knows." I know they are well-meant but to tell you the truth, I hope he doesn't just look down and observe the goings-on of my life. I honestly hope that he is just soaking in every minute of the Lord and if there is still a connection with me, I hope it is not to see what I named my kids, rather I hope that any connection with my life is in intercession for me and all our generations! THAT is what I hope he is doing more than listening and waiting to see what I will name my baby. But even though I fully hope that is how things are, it is only for the earthly reasons that I do wish I had been abe to tell him her name. As I have already said many times though, it is not in sadness, it is simply something that I just think would have been cool for him to have known.

But then I think, she will always know who he was, the bad and the good bc it was all of the bad and the good together that has brought blood to grace! That is what the sacrifice of Christ was. To show us that Grace is ALIVE! It is not just some idea or happy thought to make us fly away to a neverland, it is actual LIFE! It is such a powerful thing (I promise this all connects to my grandaddy, I am just getting really excited and jumping ahead here but I will connect it soon) when I think about how alive grace is and that BLOOD is the battery of life. Blood is what powers life and blood and grace were merged into ONE, our precious Savior, in order to save us from a life of separation from our amazing and loving and beautiful Father and Creator! Just as blood battery-powers life, it also supercharges Grace in us as a transfusion that we can be ALIVE and our blood can flow again! This whole process happens not just bc of the good in our lives but also bc of the bad. (Now here is the connection) You see, my grandaddy had a lot of tragedy, a lot of struggles and difficult times in his life. It breaks my heart some of the stories of what he went through. But then when I think about those things and I see the Lord unraveling the strings in the chaotic tapestry of his life, it is so simple to recognize the hand of Grace that was even in those bad things.

Had he not had those things in his life, I would not be the person I am today nor would any "greats" of my own descendants. It brings to mind the age-old question, if there is a God and He is good, then why do bad things happen? Well, I am sure we can all come up with answers to that but the simplest one to me is so well demonstrated in my family history. Bad things happen bc worse things COULD happen. My ENTIRE FAMILY for ALL generations COULD be condemned for all eternity bc we are ALL born of sin and are ALL sinners. That is the WORST thing that could happen! But GRACE, oh good and lovely Grace! Grace so blessedly allowed bad things to happen! Grace allowed my grandfather to grow up in an imperfect home and allowed so many bad things to happen to my grandfather and allowed him to fall into such a desperate horrible pit. Grace brought bad influences into his life and grief into their home. Grace was determined to go to all lengths for LOVE! All this bad drove a stake into the ground screaming "ENOUGH!" Because of these things, my father turned whole-heartedly to the Lord for salvation and determined in his heart to spend every moment of his life in pursuit of our most holy and righteous Lord! To not settle for "good" but to strive for RIGHTEOUS and to pursue it not only for himself but for all generations. Had this "good God" been what the world thinks He should be, then He would not have allowed these bad things to happen, all generations of my family would have been perfectly content with life and not one person in all our history (and I must say yours as well) would have ever had any need for God. We are the ones who chose sin and as well, separation from our Father and so, now, we have "bad" as evidence that our God IS indeed a good God bc if bad did not exist, then there could be no good. You have all heard for every action there is an equal opposite reaction? That is what bad is. And to tell you how "bad" things can get....well, as good as GOD is, there is an equal opposite bad. It's a bummer to say the very least, but if you have followed me this long then hopefully you will understand this that BAD is a driving force for desperation. As I mentioned before, Grace will go to all extents for LOVE! The Lord loved my grandaddy so much that He determined to have his heart and sent in a flood of difficulties to isolate him and bc of that, my grandaddy turned his life over to the Lord! Bc of the Lord's greatness, His brilliant grace even extended to my father who, in a different way was drawn to him at a much younger age as a result of those same difficulties that isolated my grandaddy. It's amazing how the exact same things can effect 2 different people in 2 totally different ways yet still have the same outcome. So is the brilliance and creativeness of our God! If you don't understand any of that, I'm sorry, it's already well past midnight and I am simply marvelling at the way things worked out. And now, I am a third generation follower of our precious Lord! Like Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Joseph, I know with confidence that my children and all generations will reap the blessings of all the suffering endured by my grandaddy as well as the determination of my own father to turn the life of an entire linage around, all of which has served to secure their lineage in our faith! I know that every descendant has to make the choice to follow God on their own, but the generational reversal began my own father as a response to his own father's life is tremendous! When we were ALL once condemned by patterns and generational transfer, we are now blessed with hope by new patterns and generational transfer. Same methods, different goals, TOTALLY new results!!!

I hope if nothing else, that what you will take from this is that God's grace is sufficient no matter what you have been through or done and also that when bad things happen, see them as evidence of a good God and praise Him that He loves you so much that He will go to all lengths to win your heart! He is Creator of ALL things and He loves His creation but most of all He longs to be with His people and will allow even bad things to happen to secure your heart for eternity! He is Grace and He is Hope and He is Love and if you can see this, then your outlook on all things good and bad will be so changed that you will be able to walk through trials and tribulation with confidence and determination that will set you apart from those who falter and fall. Praise You Jesus for You endured the greatest trials of all and You overcame that we might also be overcomers with You!

**PLease, if you have never given your life to Jesus Christ or if you have questions regarding anything I have shared or have a hard time understanding something I have written, please email me at destinyciera5@gmail.com  **

WOW! So it's been a while, huh? Well, don't blame me. It's been a crazy year! So...we are finally moved into our new house. I woke up one morning trying to decide if I wanted to clean the bathrooms that afternoon or start a new book and pretty much nothing else on my mind and...well...the day ended with us having COMPLETELY moved into the new house! (I didn't clean the bathroom. Is that horrible?) I'm talking EVERYTHING! Haven't even been back to the old house since. That was a week and a half ago. It was really sad to leave our home. I thought having the months to plan and prepare that it wouldn't have been but it was. I would find myself standing and staring at blank walls as friends and family were packing and moving all around me and then realize that the home my husband and I first bought together was not going to belong to us anymore. The living room where I slept on the sofa next to my newborn twins in their swings for the first month of their lives was not ours, the baby nurseries we worked so hard to decorate (and I redecorated over and over agin all in their first year) were empty. That back yard we had big plans for was never going to be landscaped...at least, not by OUR design. Annabelle was never going to bust her head again on that corner she just couldn't resist running full speed around. The kids would most likely NEVER be able to ride their bikes INDOORS again bc I can't imagine ever owning another home with that much tile space!  So, the day ended up being pretty hard which is why I am still so grateful for all our amazing friends and my sisters who showed up to get us moved bc if they had not, it would have dragged on for at least a few more days.

As hard as it was to leave our beautiful house, we were quickly consoled by this new (older actually) and MUCH more practical home! We are almost settled in it. A few more boxes left, a little more painting to do and that's about it but even without those things, we are loving it so much! Like "they" say, the best medicine for getting you over your ex-love is your next love. (have "they" ever said it THAT way? Bc I feel like I just totally made it up and it TOTALLY works awesomeness!!!) Anyways, so that is our moving deal.

Other than all that (like that isn't enough) we are pretty much just staying busy with church, work and kids. The twins turned 3 and moved into their new classes. They are hitting this clingy stage right now where the first few minutes after dropping them off at classes they cry and "want mommy" but after those few minutes they are fine. It kind of makes me feel good that they are pretty much obssessed with me. I guess I AM a lot of fun to be with! :) Although Aubree did tell Donny today that "mommy was mean to me". She doesn't like when I let Nicholas have a turn holding the iPhone apparently. She doesn't even realize yet that she's 1 minute older but  she's already trying to assert her authority anyways. Lord help us the day she finds out! This new house has a GREAT back yard so the kids went out and played in the yard and I realized I haven't taken pictures of them in a while (probably like a whole TWO weeks!) so I grabbed the camera and snapped some. Of course, they are not used to an actual back yard (we only lived on .2 acres before- tight-squeeze neighborhood) so they were a little wild with excitement and wouldn't hold still for many poses. But here are a few of my growing-too-fast babies!

Ok, so I only have 4% battery left and don't wanna get up to get the charger as it has been a long day and I just wanna lay here right now :) so looks like you'll have to come back some time in the next few days to hear the COMPLETELY INTERESTING things I have to say regarding EASTER!!!!!!!!!!!! So check back! I will also post some pictures of the Easter dresses I made my girls and also post a few adorable Easter basket ideas I am working on for the kids! I am so proud of myself! Finally the creative side I never knew I had is actually going to show it's shy little face! :) goodnight!

a bit about our miracle twins!!!

quick note (below is twins' story):
Hey everyone! So, I am working on putting together my first tutorial! The stink is that I don't have a camera right now so hopefully that will be resolved soon! I know...how can a mom with three babies NOT have a camera. Just another way that iPhones are taking over the world. They give you that sense that you don't need anything else! Well, I have come to see the deception in that! I DO need a camera!!! Soon...very soon. Anyways, as soon as I do, I will be able to complete the tutorials. I have been reviewing all my steps. Never thought it would be this complicated to simply explain how to do some of these simple things I do, but I think I am just too much a creature of detail! This is why I feel a good camera is so desperately needed I guess! :) So please "follow" my blog so you can not just get updates on tutorials, but also keep updated on all the amazing things going on in our lives here at the Wetzel house lately! Don't worry, I am a once or twice a month only blogger so I won't be loading you down crazy! sometimes though, it's nice to get your input and ideas for things. Ok, well I will get back with more on that soon!


Okay, so only a few people know about this but it's actually a pretty crazy story about the twins. It is pretty long but I tried to break it up with a few pictures. In March of 2008, Donny and I decided we were ready to start a family. We had been married just over a year and a half and all our friends and family were having babies so we decided we were ready to join that club. We did not tell anyone because it was just a personal decision between us and we decided that when we found out, it would be a surprise to everyone! One Sunday morning in early May, a good friend caught us after church sevice and said she needed to talk to me. I said ok and she (sort of hesitantly) said, "I had a dream that I really feel was from the Lord and in my dream you had twins". Knowing that this friend has been known to have a strong prophetic gifting, Donny laughed and said, "well, you need to go back and dream one." We all smiled at that but then her face became a bit more intent and she said, "well, maybe it had something to do with...double anointing or..." then she looked at me much more intently and said confidently, "no, you had TWINS."  Then she said she would continue praying about it and what it meant. Other than sharing that with my mom I did not think much more of it. I felt as most women that twins would be so much fun! But at the same time I just wanted a baby and felt 2 would just be crazy! they don't run in my family, I have no medical reasons for why they might occur, I did not have any reason to think I would actually have them.


It was only 2 weeks later that Donny and I found out we were having a baby!!! I am sorry to say that my dear husband had to find out via text message! I know! What can I say? I had all kinds of special ideas for how I would tell him when I found out and the moment I did...everything was out the window, even my senses and I sent him a text. (he was at work and rarely did his phone work) He did call me back not too much later so we were able to share in the excitement in that way for that moment. Almost immediately, my mom brought up our friend's words about twins. I thought about it for all of a moment but then it wasn't really about 2, it was just about a new baby!


Some time in mid-June, a dear friend of mine had her baby shower. At the baby shower, 2 other friends announced they were pregnant. I ended up keeping my secret for the simple fact of not making it "just another pregnant announcement". It was, however, at this baby shower that I started having an overwhelming feeling hat I was going to have twins. Strangely enough, though, several other expectant friends also kept saying they wanted twins or they thought they were going to have them so I pushed aside this thought thinking, ok, so EVERY pregnant woman sees double! and I am still convinced this is pretty accurate. Over the next 4 weeks or so, I prayed for my pregnancy EVERY morning and I just felt really strongly led to pray for "these two babies inside me" and I would always write in my journal about "these babies". I never told anyone though because I didn't want to end up being wrong and everyone think I was just "seeing double" too. Then...the day came for our ultrasound.


I was 10 weeks along and we were leaving that evening for our last family vacation in Florida and Donny was wanting me to postpone the appointment until after vacation, but I had already postponed it before bc of my birthday in July so I didn't want to. So, that morning, 8/8/08, we went to meet our doctor and see our little surprises for the first time. The ultrasound screen was turned towards my Doctor and nurse while me and Donny waiting, almost not breathing. The doctor smiled and pointed to the screen whispering something to the nurse. I asked, "is everything ok?". He smiled and said, "yes....REALLY good actually." Donny (always having to open his mouth) :) said, "as long as there isn't 2 or 3 in there, we're good." Doctor and nurse both laughed and turned the screen aound so we could see. He pointed to the 2 dark spots with beautiful little white spots inside and said, "well...there's one. and.....there's the other"


Here is the very picture that he took that day:

Left: Nicholas (Baby B) Right: Aubree (Baby A)

All I remember is being unable to stop smiling, staring at the screen then seeing Donny, a tear in his eye (yes I told everyone babe!) squeezing my hand and both of us unable to say ANYTHING! What was there to say? He checked their heartrates and said everything looked good and then Donny left the room. Later I found out he called and told his mom, who of course didn't believe him...in fact...probably didn't believe him until we arrived at her house with the ultrasound pictures. I conference called my entire family who were all waiting for us in Florida. The next person who found out was our realtor (haha! funny bc she just happened to call as soon as we left the hospital to let us know that we were going into escrow on our first home!-should'a went with a bigger house) :) After that, I just HAD to call my friend who knew it before it ever even happened!


Here's another U.S. pic taken on 9/5/08:

(For those who like to know: Baby B(Nicholas)- Head all the way to the left, body stretching out towards the right, Baby A(Aubree)- Head at B's feet and body slanting at a downward angle to the right.)

So...the pregnancy was great! Sickness during the first couple months (but, in fact, it was completely gone before I even knew it was twins) and of course I got HUGE!!! Close your eyes if you don't want to see this nasty shot from about 3 weeks before they were born. 

WARNING: it is a bare belly shot! I usually hate the bare belly stuff but as very few shirts even fit over my massive growth there at the end, bare belly shots were really all I could get that really showed what we were dealing with!

And...I just want to put this next one up so maybe I can be a bit redeemed after that one. This next one was actually taken about 9 weeks before they were born, but they are just much prettier than the previous one.

The end of January started all my pre-term troubles. Their actual due-date was March 5th. I had 4 labor-scares beginning January 25th but 2 turned out to be labor-inducing infections which antibiotics quickly stopped and 1 was me being on my feet too much and the last one was that at one of my regular NSTs (non-stress tests that I had to do twice a week in addition to my perinatologist visit AND my regular visit- for those counting that's 4...yes FOUR doctors visit PER WEEK---not to mention I lived just over an hour away) but anyways, at one of my regular NSTs, my sisters and neice and nephew had come with me and we were going to go shopping afterwards but the appiontment went REALLY late bc they had to monitor Aubree for an additional 2 hours (they usually do for 30 minutes) bc she was not moving. They ended up sending me to labor and delivery telling me that they were going to deliver within 3 hours. PANIC! My parents were in Switzerland and my husband was at work nearly 3 hours away! After being monitored in labor and delivery for an hour, they said Aubree was doing fine but Nicholas was not moving. UGH! Cooperate kiddos! Finally, after 7 hours of me moving and pushing my stomach and everything else I could do to get them to move, they discharged me! YAY! The twins would have been almost 7 weeks early had they been born at that point. WHEW! 

It wasn't until the morning of February 10th. My C-section was scheduled for February 19th and I thought they would come on the 11th. But on the 10th Donny and I had left the house to run errands. I just had the strangest feeling that they would be coming that day. I texted my mom to tell her to keep her phone close. She slightly panicked and told me to track them. Once I did, I realized contractions were 5 minutes apart though I could barely even feel them. The nurse I called told me to head on down since being twins put me at higher risk. Quickly they closed to 2 minutes apart but were still not very hard. A couple hours of monitoring and the on-call doctor admitted me. Here is an amazing miracle that anyone with Kaiser will understand: BOTH my doctor AND my perinatologist just so happened to be the 2 doctors on that day! CRAZY! So we were blessed that the babies were delivered by BOTH of our doctors!!! At 5:51pm, Aubree Faith was born and at 5:52pm, Nicholas William was born. Something about pugs and chic-fil-a....yeah, I don't remember but Donny swears that's what I was talking about while our babies were being born. The meds had me all loopy shaking so bad all I know is that I was freezing cold but I do remember the first cry. Then I remember waiting for the second and hearing it and I think that was the first time I let out a breath during that whole time! I remember the nurses calling out their weights: 6 pounds, 5 ounces for baby A (Aubree) and 6 pounds, 15 ounces for baby B (Nicholas). I remember the nurse at my side (there were 14 doctors and nurses in there total) telling me how she couldn't believe how big they were but the best part I remember was once they finish working on us all, they put the babies on me and wheeled me into recovery! Just the four of us, Donny and I swapping babies back and forth even though I cold hardly move. 

While in the recovery room, the nurse kept monitoring Nicholas and ended up sending him to the NICU with a lot of fluid in his lungs. We were there for about 2 hours waiting for a room to open up and finally we were sent to our room, Aubree laying at my side. We got to our room and I was able to see my mom for the first time. They did all of Aubree's checks and one of the nurses was just not happy about her oxygen levels. After a few more checks, Aubree was sent to the NICU. 

(Aubree Faith- this was actually taken when she was already about a week old bc she doesn't have the feeding tube in here)

(Nicholas William)

I thought surely they will check them and they will be back tonight. A new mom never thinks about the scary possibilities, even when you have been warned your babies are at risk for it. I was not able to see them until the next day when I was able to move enough to walk over to the NICU but Donny went over to get updates amost every hour throughout the night. The next 5 days were a struggle for our little angels. Back and forth kinda battle where they would be doing great and possibly coming home to where they were declining so rapidly that even the doctors expressed their uncertainties. I was discharged on the 4th day then finally on the 5th day, they had made enough progression that the doctors were certain they would be fine with just a bit of care. Nurses kept saying they would probably be 3-4 weeks and I was not too thrilled about that...of course! :) Every morning, me and Donny woke up at 6am and made the hour long drive to the hospital and we sat in there with the babies until 9pm (only leaving to grab lunch and occasional snacks in the vending machines) and then made the hour long drive back home to sleep and do it all again in the morning. Donny took that time off work so that he could be with us! (We were so blessed to only have to do that for ten days. There were two families in the NICU whose children were 6months and 9 months and had been in there since birth! :~(   Well, Aubree began making rapid improvements and on February 20th around 7am, we got the blessed call! We were on our way down and were told that Aubree would be coming home that day and Nicholas would probably be ready in another day or two. We were ecstatic! We got there and were soon told that after Nicholas' last check, it was possible that he too might come home with his sister! 

That evening after ridiculously extensive discharge processes and brief training on how to care for pre-term babies, they finally were able to come home with us!!! The next day my mom and sister came over to see them and took this picture:

Anyways, so that is the story of the twins and now we are getting reasy to celebrate their THIRD birthday! It's just crazy to me! I am so happy the Lord blessed us with them and so proud of everything they have become in these short three years and will continue to become all their days! I am amazed at how the Lord has worked in mine and Donny's lives through them and they have no idea the ministry that they have alrady conducted! They are so completely His and always will be and for that I am so grateful! Here's one for the road!!!